Don't let this happen to your church

I think we saw the worst sermon ever last night. I think we came out of church dumber and more sinful than when we went in. I hate to joke about preaching, lest I be denigrating the work of God, but if this was God's work then I'm a tree frog.

First of all, our assistant pastor was leading the service which isn't really ever good news. I feel I can say this without just being a ministry assassin because I truly know that this stuff actually happens in the Lutheran system (which has many great things that I love, but is far from perfect). There are people who just plug themselves in to a Lutheran job and ride the instant-tenure-guaranteed-jobs-and-tax-breaks system until they retire. And since within that system, jumping through the hoops and getting little checklists done, counts for more than character or calling, you end up with some stinkers. Lots of good ones, but some definite stinkers. It often happens that young people will start out as Lutheran teachers who just fail miserably- usually at dealing with the kids. Now in the Lutheran system it is incredibly hard to fire a teacher, seriously. But every now and then a teacher is soooo bad (yelling or physical confrontations with kids, out-of-control combative attitudes towards classroom discipline, entire classes getting Ds and Fs) that they just have to actually remove them from their job. If it's a woman, they tell her to go home to her kids or become a secretary in the Lutheran system. If it's a man, they tell him (I kid you not) to go into pastoral ministry. This just happened last year at LHSOC, when the new theology teacher was sooo awful (all the reasons I listed before) they HAD to remove him from the classroom mid-year and use a sub to finish the semester. They sent the guy into pastoral ministry. Then it happened again. Yes, another theology teacher sooo awful, they had to remove him from the classroom and send him to...pastoral ministry, that's right.

Anyway....our assistant pastor is one of these guys. We know this because he has told the story many times himself : he escaped being convicted of assault on a kid because his attorney was a better attorney, as he tells the story. So he just switched to being a pastor. Great!

We love our church and our head pastor and the rest of the staff and all the people. We just have a hard time with the assistant pastor. He speaks to everyone as if they are 4 or 5 yrs old and is also very, ahem, effeminate. His sermons are like giant, bad children's sermons. But last night was the worst ever. At least I hope there haven't been worse ones.

You have to imagine all this with our pastor in his blue-gray suit with his hands clasping and twirling from his wrists and his soft, lisping, gentle articulation.

He announces it's Good Shepherd Sunday, his favorite Sunday! So he's invited a shepherd to be with us. In walks one of our deacons in a bad shepherd costume. He walks to the front and they proceed to work through a very stiff, awkward, scripted dialogue about being a shepherd. The lesson was constructed of gems like:

Pastor: You have a very soothing voice, the sheep must like that.
Shepherd: Yes, they do.
Pastor: Is being a shepherd dangerous?
Shepherd: Yes, it is. I have almost lost my life many times caring for my sheep.
Pastor: What are some of the dangers?
Shepherd: Well, sheep are really really dumb. They also don't swim very well and they tend to wander off if the pastures aren't verdant. (yes that's what he said/read)
Pastor: You have very strong hands.
Shepherd: Well, I should be getting this guy back to my flock (picks up a giant stuffed animal sheep from the floor and exits)

Mark was actually trying to control himself shaking with laughter and I was just confused feeling like I was in some sort of twilight-zone gay preschool.

When the shepherd exited, we thought, whew! Now to the sermon...

But no.

The pastors says we have another special guest...The Good Shepherd!

In walks a new member who happens to have a beard, dressed in a knee-length Jesus outfit. He and the pastor then climb onto swivel-stools (so his poor hairy shins and bare feet are front and center). You must still imagine the pastor the same way (suit, clasping and twirling hands, sweet lisping voice) and imagine "Jesus" looking scared to death, speaking haltingly and wooden, and swiveling back and forth from nervousness. Their exchange was like this:

Pastor: What is it like dealing with us sheep?
Jesus: Well, if they want to lie down with a lion, that's not a good thing.
Pastor: How does that make you feel?
Jesus: Well, if they use their free will to make bad choices, that makes me sad.
Pastor: We just really really want to thank you for shedding your blood for us and saving all mankind from eternal damnation by giving us salvation (said while looking into Jesus' eyes)
Jesus: Yes. It was the one of the hardest things I ever had to do.
Pastor: Again, we just really want to thank you just so much for shedding your blood for all of us and saving us all from our sins.
Jesus: It was, uhhhh, my pleasure. Thank you for, um, um, receiving that.
Pastor: You have a very soothing voice.
Jesus: My voice is like the songs of the birds.
Pastor: How can we hear your voice?
Jesus: Well, you can hear it in this (holds up the blue Lutheran pew Bible)
Pastor: Oh!!!! Thank you so much for that!!
Jesus climbs down off the swivel stool and raises his hands and says "My peace I give to you" and exits.
And the pastor says "Let us pray."

That was the sermon.